After a rather drama-free season of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, it’s not surprising that the secrets revealed last night were less than exciting – and had mostly to do with teenagers behaving badly and the mothers who worry about them.
Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave‘s husband Edwin is giving Mauricio a run for his money in the real estate game! Either that or Edwin’s been watching Million Dollar Listing for some advice on how to win a bidding war on multi-million dollar homes, because after stalking the builders of his neighbor’s house, he badgered, harassed, and harangued them into taking $2 million less for the property just to get rid of him. They need security for the security guy!
Teddi is thrilled with the new home – at a discount price. Not so successful was Edwin’s buying a new Lambo with the money he saved. Teddi does not like things that go fast unless they’re one night stands which lead to the altar. Or cardio classes. And horsepower belongs on four-legged friends with mane and tail.
Um, I wouldn’t pay $2.99 to fulfill my husband’s midlife crisis, let alone $299,000. Edwin is a lucky guy!
Over at Casa de Girardi Erika Girardi shows “Mr. T” the cutout of her Kim Kardashian Hollywood character. Tom is confused about why there are cardboard versions of his wife staring him in the face and can’t figure out which is the real fake. Erika suggests he take it to work with him, so he’ll always have the best part of her with him.
Kyle Richards‘s godson fashion designer Matt Sarafa visits Kyle By AleneTooMuchKyle to pedal his collection “Fake,” which is just about the most perfect thing for a Real Housewives. I’m sure you all remember the faux fur feuds! Unlike Dorit Kemsley, Matt could name a faux jacket after each Housewife – except actually, maybe, not Teddi, who doesn’t seem fake so she might get the shaft again. In her stead, Dorit could have two, or Kyle could luck out with Kyle by Kaftans One and Kyle by KaftansToo as her namesakes.
While Kyle is buying ginormous faux furs, Lisa Vanderump is taunting Ken with faux possibilities of seeing her ginormous bush! For their 35th anniversary, Lisa requests sexy lingerie but he can only look, not touch. Both Ken and Giggy bark in response to this proposition, and he offers her tea instead. I mean Ken might break another hip!
Throwback Kisa photos are beyond amazing. Also amazing: Lisa’s pink pool cue and balls. Only LVP.
In behind the scenes reunion footage, Dorit asks for a glass of wine before Camille Grammer takes the stage – wearing the ballgag as a bracelet. Andy should’ve just handed Dorit the entire bottle. Actually, he should’ve dumped the wine IN a water bottle to see if Dorit was desperate enough to drink it from the wrong receptacle. Although Dorit isn’t exactly receptive to jokes.
We got some lovely footage of Camille swanning around NYC looking like a UES trophy wife while shopping for sex toys and giant dildos. Camille was perniciously plotting revenge to find something off-putting to match Dorit’s “off-putting” behavior. By far the most off-putting thing in the store, though, was the employee’s hair and makeup. Eventually, Camille just decides to take one of LVP’s pool balls and have it made into a pretty pink ballgag perfect for keeping Dorit’s mouth shut with a nod to how she’s been talking smack about her patroness Lady Vanderpump. Just kidding!
At Dorit’s house, she’s wearing a homemade “Common Sense” tank while she tells Boy George about all the ways Teddi is too sensible for her – like when Teddi asked Dorit to come over early for the spa party so they could discuss Dorit being late to the drinks. Oh, the irony! Dorit and George decide that Teddi’s career is essentially running a fitness Ponzi scheme and she’s “invented a way to get money out of people.” $299,000 worth of money, honey. And how much are those Beverly Beach swimsuits dragging up the shore?
Hilariously though when Dorit gets to the portion of the story where she admits to being bitchy over the wine glass, George calls her a “glorious snob”. There’s nothing glorious about Dorit, not even her snobbery, but George is such a delight!
We find out it is Ken who wants Giggy cloned, not LVP who would rather save more dogs with that money. To Ken, however, no money is too much for the Giggster’s everlasting life – especially since he’s recently been diagnosed with a heart condition. We can’t talk about the Real Dogs of BH without a eulogy to LVP’s losses. Months later, at the reunion, Lisa is still an emotional wreck over the loss of Pikachu and Pink Dog. RIP Furry Friends. Also – Pandora, please reproduce lest LVP fill all of Villa Rosa with doggies until the only teacup one can find is a teacup chihuahua!.
In a sweet moment (her only!), Lisa Rinna suggests LVP clone Giggy as a gift for Ken, but LVP snarks he’d prefer like a copy of Rinnavation with its many sex tips instead. It will go perfectly with the phantom 35th anniversary lingerie!
No one would clone Kyle’s attention-seeking bitches, though. Especially Storm, who is a complete out of control nightmare with no discipline. Like mother, like dogsters! Mauricio, the devoted father, tries to escape Kyle Storm by taking Alexia to look at colleges – without Kyle. Also, he’s wearing a t-shirt that reads “Rule No 1: No Assholes” Is that a warning to Housewives everywhere?
And to celebrate The Agency opening a Mexico division Kyle will be getting dual-Mexican citizenship and so will all the girls. They’re also getting a beachfront mansion! Maybe Kyle can start casting Real Housewives of Punta Mita!
Lipsa’s daughters got microscopic tattoos behind their ears and Amelia chose Saturn. Lipsa is freaking out – because the world doesn’t revolve around her and her opinions? She decides they took this rash action because all teenagers are dumb until they’re 25. What about all the ladies on these shows who are 30, 40, 50+… and still acting dumb?! Maybe they just have teenaged brains?
Lipsa’s parenting dilemmas allow Erika the opportunity to finally open up about raising her son (without turning into a snarling wolverine). She puts it in perspective for Lipsa that while she’s panicking about tattoos, Erika had a kid at Delilah’s age. Erika was 20 when her nameless son was born (and apparently a redhead?!). Erika claims they have managed to “remain close” and one reason she prefers being a ‘boy mom’ is because she’s a tomboy (but not a girls-girl!). Well, tattoos are less permanent than parenthood, at least!
Maybe Dorit should’ve gotten a Saturn tattoo instead? She pretends to parent for the day by driving her kids to the park and buying them a taco. Now that Jagger can speak, he argues constantly with mommy dearest. Apparently, Jagger has learned from the best that the way to communicate is to throw fits and make unreasonable demands. Meanwhile, Phoenix is putting on makeup and wearing cut-out swimsuits at the tender age of 1. Doit complains that the one hour per week she spends unsupervised with her kids is SO much work. Dorit’s kids are SO adorable though.
Teddi and LVP bond over their irreverent sense of humor, and love of horses. LVP wants to take Teddi under her wing and nurture her about the complex and dangerous ways of the BH – which means enlightening naive little Teddi Bear about what marriage of 35 years entails with the cautionary tale of Ken and The Kidney Stones! (Sounds like a rock band at a retirement home) Frighteningly the stones pop out the “end of the winky” and LVP has to catch them – the trade-off being that she’s off the hook for sexy times.
On their way to the horse barn, Teddi’s new Tesla SUV is more complicated than kidney stone catching though. But finally, we find some fashions Teddi knows about – equestrian clothing! Her specialty is hairnets. Which Dorit will probably start wearing, layering 12 on top of each other, all in different metallics and then attached with 64 barrettes and at least 200 bobby pins until she makes airport metal detectors explode with frustration.
Camille invites Erika and Lipsa over for lunch at her newest Malibu beach acquisition. A quaint little cottage right on the water. Literally right on the water – which is her backyard. Amazing! Also, Camille is so classy. Erika’s casual beach look includes 6″ spike heels.
Over salads, the ladies discuss all their age-related ailments. Lipsa confesses that like a Lifetime movie, she’s sold her soul to the devil to look young, but it’s still not enough – she ne a facelift dammit! Because she has to keep up with the Vanderpumps! Lipsa is convinced LVP secretly had one, and she doesn’t want to be the only one left with a saggy waddle of a neck and walking around with duct tape holding her wrinkles back.
At Teddi’s beach house the women played Jenga as a way to strategize dealing with the other Housewives; one wrong move it all falls down and the hits keep coming. It’s a good way to practice your manipulation and cunning, and also your gumption, but it proves just as stressful and wrinkle-provoking so now they all need either facelifts or industrial strength ballgags face-tape! Unsurprisingly Dorit topples the whole tower because real life imitates TV life. Also, Teddi ne tape to keep her romper out of her couch – hooooly was that short and uncomfortable looking!
After Jenga it’s a communal dinner on the beach where Erika pretends she’s not from the south and has never heard of a potluck, and then has to go fleeing from her roots into the night where she hides in the Double-Tree until her demons subside into a streak of self-tanning gel, body glitter, and latex dust. I personally thought dinner looked delightful and led to an equally delightful conversation about their best and worst qualities. I much prefer that to fancy boring restaurants and vapid arguments. Unsurprisingly Deluionit is stumped by naming her worst quality so the ladies all have to help her out with that. LVP suggests “loquacious,” and not to be outdone in that category Kyle starts rambling about herself and her childhood and over-explaining all the things that make Kyle, Kyle. It’s all about her childhood, and her mom, and her sisters and how it affects her life and her parenting. SIGH … GET THERAPY!
And since secret teenage tattoos seem to be the theme of this secrets revealed episode, Teddi confesses that she got one in the 8th grade! That information truly shocks every woman at the table – even bad bitch Erika – into getting along. Even John Mellencamp, whom Teddi calls to get confirmation that he was mad, admits he’s still mad all these years later.
On the beach, away from the fancy purses and designer cars and materialism, eating potluck food prepared by Dorit’s mom and Erika’s assistant, the women break down barriers and talk. They open up about their childhoods, and their concerns as mothers and they are raw with each other – even LVP and Erika. It was nice, and it showed that beneath the layers of fake tan, and glam squad and botox these women have hearts and souls and the capability of friendship. Imagine – they’re real.
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